I had an inkling that it would come to this.
Just got back from the noon celtic service, which is followed by contemplative prayer. It was just wonderful. I feel so good. I really, really need that silence in my life.
No doubt, it will change and make things come up, or provide some other opportunity for me to fail and pick myself up again. But that's all to the good.
It's very odd for me - for years and years, I couldn't stand the idea that I needed to be specific places at specific times, or do certain things every day. It seemed oppressive. Now, it's comforting, and deeply needed. I still don't wear a watch, but organizing my days around stable points seems to really anchor me in the present moment, and help me reset when I get too far afield into stress and anxiety. Getting up at the same time each day (including the weekends). Prayer at regular intervals throughout the day. Working out 5 days a week. Eating food already prepared, and not rushing through a fast food line to get something to just feed my body, and not my soul, like a relaxing lunch or dinner does.
I think, maybe, this is working.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Morning Routine
I got up a bit earlier than I usually do, to have time to start the day right.
Said the morning office, somewhat slower than I often have, and ate some breakfast. It takes about as long as it takes to brew coffee to say the office - an interesting thing to note as it seems like it takes much longer than that.
What I'm finding is that I say an office, and then I later in the day forget that I have, and then I am reminded that, no, in fact, I already have done. I think that this is part of the process of trying to learn how to smoothly move between the sacred and the secular that is one of the most important parts of this exercise.
Said the morning office, somewhat slower than I often have, and ate some breakfast. It takes about as long as it takes to brew coffee to say the office - an interesting thing to note as it seems like it takes much longer than that.
What I'm finding is that I say an office, and then I later in the day forget that I have, and then I am reminded that, no, in fact, I already have done. I think that this is part of the process of trying to learn how to smoothly move between the sacred and the secular that is one of the most important parts of this exercise.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Failure comes so soon
I completely failed to do much of anything with this yesterday. I did at least read the lectionary selections for yesterday, just now.
But, I'm willing to accept the idea that the purpose isn't to succeed, but rather to fail over and over, and still keep trying.
But, I'm willing to accept the idea that the purpose isn't to succeed, but rather to fail over and over, and still keep trying.
Friday, March 27, 2009
8 bad thoughts, after Evagrius Ponticus
I've been reading Kathleen Norris' Acedia and Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life.
She talks about the 8 "bad thoughts" identified by monks of the 4th century. According to one of them, Evagrius Ponticus, these are:
- gluttony
- lust
- avarice
- sorrow
- anger
- discouragement
- vainglory
- pride
She focuses on acedia, or "discouragement/apathy". This was subsumed into sadness by Gregory, but she thinks that it deserves it's own place. I can't help but agree.
The wisdom of this strikes me, both of giving acedia it's rightful place, and also as a total structure. At the risk of sounding like a first year psychology student who thinks they have every malady they study, I see myself in all of these things. They really form a matrix, and all point at the same thing - our essential brokenness, which I believe that God would like to heal. All of them separate us from God, which is a good enough definition of sin for me.
Morning Prayer - IV Lent Friday Year I
I said compline last night, before going to bed. I didn't quite manage not to talk after saying it. I couldn't sleep, worried about this and that in my life. But overall, it was good to get back to it.
It almost seems as if my brain has a default setting of saying "But, but, but" and it takes a fair amount of effort to bring it back to the words, to being quiet. Expected, but also always surprising to me.
Morning prayer this AM - much imagery of sheep and shepherds.
I have never been comfortable with this imagery. "I'm not a sheep" I think. "I'm independent, I'm powerful on my own terms. I'm not something that needs finding, or keeping, or gathering."
Of course, I am lying to myself. I do need to be gathered. To be found. It hurts to be reminded of it.
It almost seems as if my brain has a default setting of saying "But, but, but" and it takes a fair amount of effort to bring it back to the words, to being quiet. Expected, but also always surprising to me.
Morning prayer this AM - much imagery of sheep and shepherds.
I have never been comfortable with this imagery. "I'm not a sheep" I think. "I'm independent, I'm powerful on my own terms. I'm not something that needs finding, or keeping, or gathering."
Of course, I am lying to myself. I do need to be gathered. To be found. It hurts to be reminded of it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
So what do I plan on doing?
I've got an ambitious plan. I fully expect to fail miserably, but it's worth shooting high, I think.
The plan goes roughly as follows:
Starting on the second Sunday of Easter, to give time for the hubbub of activity from Holy Week and First Easter to die down:
Sunday:
Not exactly a full "seven times a day" but after all, I'm not really a monk. Just a layperson.
We'll see how this goes. I have, in the past, managed to be somewhat faithful about praying the office, but this is a whole order of magnitude more. Part of what I hope this will teach me is how to move smoothly between "secular time" and "sacred time," making that less disjointed, more integrated, and less a "Sunday morning" thing.
I fully expect it to be difficult, and boring at times. This is normal, or so all of what I've learned tells me. I suppose, if it were easy, we'd all be doing it, at least those of us who are drawn to this sort of style of life.
Celtic prayers at my church use the text Celtic Prayers from Iona: The Heart of Celtic Spirituality as a text.
We do a spoken mass following Rite II at noon on Wednesdays.
The Daily Offices I'm using are directly from the Book of Common Prayer, Rite II, although I hope, as I grow into this, to use some other texts periodically. The nice thing about the BCP Office is that you will, in fact, if you follow it well, read all the Psalms every 7 weeks, and the vast majority of the Bible in two years. I have friends who have sat down and read the scriptures straight through - this never appealed to me. I need time to think, to let it sink in, and to roll it around my heart.
The plan goes roughly as follows:
Starting on the second Sunday of Easter, to give time for the hubbub of activity from Holy Week and First Easter to die down:
Sunday:
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Church, at times serving as a Sub-Deacon (otherwise known as a lay eucharistic minister)
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Noon Celtic prayers followed by 1/2 hour of contemplative prayer, at church.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Noon Celtic prayers followed by 1/2 hour of contemplative prayer, at church.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Noon Mass, followed by Gospel study at church.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Noon Celtic prayers followed by 1/2 hour of contemplative prayer, at church.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Noon Celtic prayers followed by 1/2 hour of contemplative prayer, at church.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
- Morning Prayer at approximately 6:15 am, giving me time to shower and dress.
- Evening prayer at approximately 5pm.
- Compline before bed at 9:45pm.
Not exactly a full "seven times a day" but after all, I'm not really a monk. Just a layperson.
We'll see how this goes. I have, in the past, managed to be somewhat faithful about praying the office, but this is a whole order of magnitude more. Part of what I hope this will teach me is how to move smoothly between "secular time" and "sacred time," making that less disjointed, more integrated, and less a "Sunday morning" thing.
I fully expect it to be difficult, and boring at times. This is normal, or so all of what I've learned tells me. I suppose, if it were easy, we'd all be doing it, at least those of us who are drawn to this sort of style of life.
Celtic prayers at my church use the text Celtic Prayers from Iona: The Heart of Celtic Spirituality as a text.
We do a spoken mass following Rite II at noon on Wednesdays.
The Daily Offices I'm using are directly from the Book of Common Prayer, Rite II, although I hope, as I grow into this, to use some other texts periodically. The nice thing about the BCP Office is that you will, in fact, if you follow it well, read all the Psalms every 7 weeks, and the vast majority of the Bible in two years. I have friends who have sat down and read the scriptures straight through - this never appealed to me. I need time to think, to let it sink in, and to roll it around my heart.
here and now
This coming Advent, which I admit is still quite a ways off, will mark the end of the 3rd year of my re-entry into the Christian stream. It's been quite a journey already.
I started attending church regularly.
I got involved with "formation" activities at the church, essentially classes for new members, guiding at least a few people towards baptism.
I continued reading. I've always read both the Bible and other religious works, or works about religion.
What's been missing? Any sort of regular prayer life.
Prayer is deeply essential, it seems to me. It's a broad term ranging from the panicked "Oh God, help me!" of our darkest moments, to the shouts of sexual ecstasy, to corporate prayer on Sundays, to private prayer, meditation, and contemplation. Prayer can be loud, or silent, public or private.
Mostly, though, it needs to be done. And it's far too easy to talk and think more about praying than to actually do it. The Zen folks say "the answer is on the cushion." For Christians, I think, the answer is on the knees.
So, part of what this blog is about is trying to develop some sort of regular, structured prayer life, to bring that into my life and consciousness, to see what happens. "Ora et labora" St. Benedict says. "Work and pray." Both are essential.
I started attending church regularly.
I got involved with "formation" activities at the church, essentially classes for new members, guiding at least a few people towards baptism.
I continued reading. I've always read both the Bible and other religious works, or works about religion.
What's been missing? Any sort of regular prayer life.
Prayer is deeply essential, it seems to me. It's a broad term ranging from the panicked "Oh God, help me!" of our darkest moments, to the shouts of sexual ecstasy, to corporate prayer on Sundays, to private prayer, meditation, and contemplation. Prayer can be loud, or silent, public or private.
Mostly, though, it needs to be done. And it's far too easy to talk and think more about praying than to actually do it. The Zen folks say "the answer is on the cushion." For Christians, I think, the answer is on the knees.
So, part of what this blog is about is trying to develop some sort of regular, structured prayer life, to bring that into my life and consciousness, to see what happens. "Ora et labora" St. Benedict says. "Work and pray." Both are essential.
Beginnings
A first post. monkfishpdx will be a place for me to post my religious thoughts, keep a public but anonymous journal, and describe what I'm doing in my prayer life and my experiences with the Daily Office.
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